Things I should say but cant

woeijrwlkejrlskdjfslkdfjs<----- please note that this is the current state of my brain. Yet another ranting blog is about to occur but this one not as scary as the last one. Just need to vent aaand its almost midnight and I dont wanna call anyone so yeah. Here is goes!

I know what he does to me and I'm pretty sure he does too which is probably why I become a fun little toy for him to play with and throw around. I'm a brat to him because of the 50ft high 10ft thick wall that is up because of him. I dont want to get hurt again. But at the rate I'm goin, its lookin like thats whats gonna happen. I'm already in too deep and I know it. I need to escape but his hold on me is so strong I just cant. My heart skips a beat when I see his name show up on my phone, when I hear his name in other peoples conversations or just in general, when I see him it feels like its going to fall out of my chest. As soon as I get to a place where I'm either over him or have realized I can live without him and be fine he pulls me back in! It takes forever to even get to a place like that and it takes only a second and its gone. I cant get out on my own. There is just so much I want to say to him and I cant do it! Half of it would make my 50ft wall just come crashing down and I dont want it to come down. I know that if it does I'm vulnerable again. I dont want to get hurt again. I've already been hurt by him twice. I cannot endure that pain anymore. I know I have strong feelings for him and that fact that I do just makes this even more annoying! No matter how hard I try to get over him and just move on with my life I cant do it. I have had it with feeling this way but nothing I do gets rid of feeling this way. Its gotten to the point that I am convinced he is supposed to be in my life in one way or another I just dont know how he fits into the puzzle. Gosh I just dunno what to do anymore. He just takes more and more of my heart everyday. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel about him but it feels like he doesnt even care. He just seems like he wants to play with my emotions. He is a good guy but he is covering it up. The good guy in him is who I like but this mask he is putting on covers that person which is probably why it feels like he doesnt care about me. Ugh I dont even know anymore. Thats my rant on one boy. To the boy this is about: I know you have this blog address. I hope you can figure out that this is about you. These are the things I want to say to you but am afraid to.