Deciding for myself

Hey yall! Yall? Wow you'd think I was from Texas or something haha anyways thats not important. Just thought I would update! Life is slowly getting better.

 I have had major clarification of how I have been feeling about a certain person and I have realized that even though my friends don't like this person I cant let them dictate how I feel. I have let other people in my life manipulate my feelings and what I think about others and its done more damage than good. From here on out, I will be making decisions for me and only me. I'm not saying I will not be taking advice (not that I get any of that anyways) because advice is always appreciated and wanted but just because someone thinks I should or should not do something does not mean I'm going to completely listen to them. A lot of the time people can see things I cannot and sometimes they can be right but I'm convinced they are wrong about this one. It has been suggested that I abandon this person completely and I just cant do that. I'm sorry but I need this person in my life and they need me in theirs its just how it is. I have tried trust me I have tried my hardest. I have tried for the past couple years to do this and I cant do it for one reason or another. I have prayed about this, and I know that I need this person and they need me. So regarding this situation I will only be listening to my intuition and Heavenly Father. He knows better than anyone.

I wrote a sad letter to a missionary about a week ago. Basically I had feelings for him when he left and those feelings were returned for me and we decided we wouldn't officially be together and just see how things went and when he got back we would go from there but I realized about a month ago that I had tricked myself into having those feelings for him to disguise feelings I had for another and have had for awhile now. So yeah I had to break someones heart and I just felt that it would be better sooner rather than later when his feelings got too deep. I have been getting a lot of crap for this and people telling me I should have waited to tell him closer to the end of his mission. Its been really stressful having to deal with people telling me I screwed up and should have waited.

Thanksgiving was yesterday! I hope you all have a fantastic day full of fun and thanks. And for those of you who went shopping today I applaud you. I cannot get up that early to go shopping and fighting people for stuff. So good job :)

I love you all and any support that can be given while going through this confusing time of my life would be much appreciated. Thanks everyone!

♥

P.S. I have just learned blogger has spellcheck. Yay!

Thanksgiving is tomorrow!

Okay so I decided that I'm going to do an actual blog today and not one of the prompts. Thanksgiving is tomorrow! I love being around my family on Thanksgiving. We pig out and occasionally my dad and I will watch the football game together and scream at the tv. I love those moments with my dad. Hes busy being an attorney and everything so getting him to do anything after hes done working is so hard. Even if we are just sitting watching Jepoardy tying to figure out who can answer the question first its still time with him that I wont get later. Love you dad!

yes I was a cute blonde child :)

This Thanksgiving I am especially thankful for the safety of my friends and family. This year I have heard so many stories about people getting injured or even dying. Today on the news I saw that there was an attempted kidnapping of a 14 year old girl on a street not far from mine. My brother is 13 and I am so glad that it wasnt him.

Another thing I am thankful for this year that I have always been thankful for but this year its been magnified is my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I have had so many prayers answered this year. Most of them have been answered through other people so thank you to everyone who is in my life in one way or another. You may not think that you have made a difference in my life but you really have.

Have a wonderful, memorable and safe Thanksgiving everyone. Spend it with the ones that you love and remember all the things you have been blessed with.

Much love! ♥

Day 06: Something you hope you never have to do

Something I never wanna do? I never want to have to chose between two people. I've heard all these horror stories of people having to choose their family or their husband/wife. Some people have to chose between parents when they get divorced then there are the extreme situations where someone may have to chose the life of one person over another. Never do I want to have to make any of these choices. It would just tear me up inside and I think it would take awhile for me to get over.

Today I'm goin to Harry Potter with the fam! I looove that movie haha its amazing. Oh! And in math I got a paper cut :/ it hurt. I knew paper was evil! Thanksgiving break is this week which is fantastic except my English teacher gave us an assignment. I reeeeally dont wanna do homework over the break. Since Thanksgiving is this week take a moment and just think about all the things that you are thankful for. I'm so thankful for the ability to go to school, having a place to live, food on the table, music, my car, and most importantly my family and friends. Thank you guys so much. Those of you who are near and far I love you all :)

Loves! ♥

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Something I would love to do in my life is travel the world. I have always loved travel and I love visitng places. I really want to go to Europe and back to Hawaii and see all the islands of Hawaii.

Another thing I hope to do is be able to get married. Throughout my life I have only had one real boyfriend and he turned out to be a jerk. For whatever reason guys either dont seem to like me maybe because my personality is very intense and I will tell it like it is and so I think people are intimidated by me so my expectancy of marriage has gone way down. I just really hope to find that guy who likes me for who I am and can handle my personality.

My responses to these questions keep getting shorter and shorter haha.

Loves! ♥

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone else for

Hmm I actually have a lot of people I need to do this with. I think my biggest one is my old ward. I have such hard feelings harbored towards them. I was pretty much an outcast and so was my family. My bishiop was very nosy and rude, I really had 2 or 3 friends in that ward and I had lived there for about 10 years. There are people there who hurt my brother and cast him out and stole his best friend and told all the boys his age that he was a horrible person. My parents didnt fit in anywhere and most everyone was extremely fake towards my family. When the bishop asked me why I had stopped going to mutual I told him like it was. I told him that I had one friend, I didnt have a place and I pretty much felt like an outcast. He refused to believe me and we got into an argument that lasted for about an hour. He just couldnt believe that his "perfect little ward" wasnt as perfect as he thought. I will only go back to that ward for one persons mission farewell. I have been invited to mission farewells for people that would never ever EVER talk to me. I have no desire to see these people again. They are very fake and never will I put myself in a place like that ever again. I need forgive these people but I'm having a hard time with it and it will take a lot of time.

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for

Something I have to forgive myself for? Hmm theres a couple things actually. I for some reason or another trust people blindly and it gets me in trouble more often than not. I need to forgive myself for being so trusting and not using my brain.

Another thing is that I have talked about people behind their backs and said some not so nice things. I have apologized to those people and now I just need to get over it.

Harry Potter last night was epic! There was a guy dressed up as the golden snitch and he was running around with people dressed up as wizards chasing him. Suuuper funny. Then about half an hour before the show started there was a wizard duel! Twas pretty funny. This morning I have just been all tired and blah so I'm just takin it easy.

Loves! ♥

Day 2: Something you love about yourself

Now you're asking me to be positive? Gosh I dunno if I can do that right now. Everything just seems to be falling apart. But no matter, I will try to be as positive as possible

Something I love about myself? I love how loyal I am and how I will drop everything to listen to a friend or just be there for someone. When I make a friend we are friends for life. Thats it the end. Unless, they decide I am no longer important to them.

When a friend is in need or just someone I know in general I am always there for them and they always come to me. For years my nickname (kind of as a joke) was "The Counseler" I cant even begin to explain how many times I was called that and how long I answered to that. I'm not sure why I am always the one to listen and talk people through their problems. Even when I just barely meet someone its that way. At times I wish that I had someone like that. Because I am the listener and advice giver I dont really have that. I just let everything sit and bottle up. Especially lately. I really need someone like that and someone who will be a loyal friend to me no matter what. Good people like that are hard to come by hence why I'm happy to think that I am this way.

Anyways, I hate talking about myself that way just because it seems to me like its a self-righteous way of talking so I will stop now.

Harry Potter tonight! WOOHOO!! The voice in my head has a British accent when I read things and while I type this. I rather enjoy it :)

Loves!

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

So I found this thing where you write in your blog everyday and answer a different question each time. So I figured I would give it a shot!

So, here is the first one.

What is something you hate about yourself?

I would have to say that I really dont like how shy I am. I really dont understand why I'm as shy as I am. I miss out on a lot of things and a lot of great people. I wish I was I guess what other people would call normal and just be able to walk up to people and start talking to them.

I also dont enjoy how intense my personality is. If I something is not right, if you ask me what I think of you, if you ask my opinion on anything, I will tell you the truth. I will not sugar coat it and I think that ultimately hurts me. I begin to wonder if my personality is too intense or intimidating for some people.

Dont worry, tomorrows question is happier :)

Well last weekend was tons of fun. Friday I hung out with Hannah and Katie. We ate tons of junk food and watched movies! Then Hannahs boyfriend called her and Katie and I ended up screaming in the background for him to hang up. Sorry bout that haha. Boys should learn not to call on a girls night. Just plain and simple.

Saturday I went fourwheeling with the fam then came home and hung out with Brittany later that night! We didnt really have a plan but the unplanned stuff is always the best. We went to Jamba first. Apparently I come in there so much they know who I am :/ After we decided to go to the mall just for kicks and giggles. We looked at stuff and appreciated the stuff in Nordstrom eventhough we couldnt afford any of it. We even tooks pics in the photobooth! While we were walking over to the photobooth who do we run into? Thats right, Austen. Completely unplanned. It was a nice/strange/awkward/fun surprise. So we talked for a bit aaaand yeah. After the photobooth Brittany went and bought a sticker for her truck! Its a crown and super cute. Then we decided we wanted to go to a roundabout and drive in circles. Completely illegal but so worth it :) Then we had a Target adventure! Thats what these pics at the end are from. Then we ended the night with looking at rich people houses and having ice cream and fries. Yes my friends are awesome :)

Well thats pretty much all the excitingness that has happened in my life. I'll write tomorrow or Monday about all the emotionalness of my life. Things have been building up and I need to let it out somewhere right?

Love you!

Just So You Know- Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's gettin' hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

This emptiness is killin' me
And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Lookin' back I realize it was always there
Just never spoken

I'm waitin' here
Been waitin' here

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know, just so you know

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know, just so you know

Things I should say but cant

woeijrwlkejrlskdjfslkdfjs<----- please note that this is the current state of my brain. Yet another ranting blog is about to occur but this one not as scary as the last one. Just need to vent aaand its almost midnight and I dont wanna call anyone so yeah. Here is goes!

I know what he does to me and I'm pretty sure he does too which is probably why I become a fun little toy for him to play with and throw around. I'm a brat to him because of the 50ft high 10ft thick wall that is up because of him. I dont want to get hurt again. But at the rate I'm goin, its lookin like thats whats gonna happen. I'm already in too deep and I know it. I need to escape but his hold on me is so strong I just cant. My heart skips a beat when I see his name show up on my phone, when I hear his name in other peoples conversations or just in general, when I see him it feels like its going to fall out of my chest. As soon as I get to a place where I'm either over him or have realized I can live without him and be fine he pulls me back in! It takes forever to even get to a place like that and it takes only a second and its gone. I cant get out on my own. There is just so much I want to say to him and I cant do it! Half of it would make my 50ft wall just come crashing down and I dont want it to come down. I know that if it does I'm vulnerable again. I dont want to get hurt again. I've already been hurt by him twice. I cannot endure that pain anymore. I know I have strong feelings for him and that fact that I do just makes this even more annoying! No matter how hard I try to get over him and just move on with my life I cant do it. I have had it with feeling this way but nothing I do gets rid of feeling this way. Its gotten to the point that I am convinced he is supposed to be in my life in one way or another I just dont know how he fits into the puzzle. Gosh I just dunno what to do anymore. He just takes more and more of my heart everyday. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel about him but it feels like he doesnt even care. He just seems like he wants to play with my emotions. He is a good guy but he is covering it up. The good guy in him is who I like but this mask he is putting on covers that person which is probably why it feels like he doesnt care about me. Ugh I dont even know anymore. Thats my rant on one boy. To the boy this is about: I know you have this blog address. I hope you can figure out that this is about you. These are the things I want to say to you but am afraid to.

I'm alright :)

Phew! K just so you know, I'm alright. Sorry for that last post. I just needed to vent. Everytime I try to talk to people I get interupted or the person I'm talking to just doesnt seem to care so yeah. Had to clear my mind so I could think about some things and just figure stuff out with my life. So thanks for bearing with my ranting/depressing blog post :)

This last weekend was pretty lame actually. Yeah it was Halloween but I did nothing. I was gonna go to the UVU dance but I have no one to go with, I didnt wanna pay 15 bucks and I wasnt feeling my best. So I ended up staying home watching When A Stranger Calls and Grease.

I finally got around to buying Taylor Swifts album and I LOVE it! So I apologize to you people who actually read my facebook status' since they have all been from one of her songs for the passed few days. I'll try to think of other things to put up. Her songs just relate to my life almost perfectly! Its crazy!

On Sunday I bought Harry Potter tickets! 12:05! With Katie and my brother :) Yeah I'm pretty stoked. Wow I havent said that word since like jr high :/ gotta love those moments. I got registered for classes yesterday as well. Oh and I'm looking for a job. So if you know anyone who is hiring please, please, PLEASE let me know. I voted today too! It was weird. I feel so old! But it was nice to be able to have somewhat of a say in things eventhough my vote didnt really matter. Republicans would have won anyways.

Well thats it for me! Loves! ♥