Day 1: Something you hate about yourself

So I found this thing where you write in your blog everyday and answer a different question each time. So I figured I would give it a shot!

So, here is the first one.

What is something you hate about yourself?

I would have to say that I really dont like how shy I am. I really dont understand why I'm as shy as I am. I miss out on a lot of things and a lot of great people. I wish I was I guess what other people would call normal and just be able to walk up to people and start talking to them.

I also dont enjoy how intense my personality is. If I something is not right, if you ask me what I think of you, if you ask my opinion on anything, I will tell you the truth. I will not sugar coat it and I think that ultimately hurts me. I begin to wonder if my personality is too intense or intimidating for some people.

Dont worry, tomorrows question is happier :)

Well last weekend was tons of fun. Friday I hung out with Hannah and Katie. We ate tons of junk food and watched movies! Then Hannahs boyfriend called her and Katie and I ended up screaming in the background for him to hang up. Sorry bout that haha. Boys should learn not to call on a girls night. Just plain and simple.

Saturday I went fourwheeling with the fam then came home and hung out with Brittany later that night! We didnt really have a plan but the unplanned stuff is always the best. We went to Jamba first. Apparently I come in there so much they know who I am :/ After we decided to go to the mall just for kicks and giggles. We looked at stuff and appreciated the stuff in Nordstrom eventhough we couldnt afford any of it. We even tooks pics in the photobooth! While we were walking over to the photobooth who do we run into? Thats right, Austen. Completely unplanned. It was a nice/strange/awkward/fun surprise. So we talked for a bit aaaand yeah. After the photobooth Brittany went and bought a sticker for her truck! Its a crown and super cute. Then we decided we wanted to go to a roundabout and drive in circles. Completely illegal but so worth it :) Then we had a Target adventure! Thats what these pics at the end are from. Then we ended the night with looking at rich people houses and having ice cream and fries. Yes my friends are awesome :)

Well thats pretty much all the excitingness that has happened in my life. I'll write tomorrow or Monday about all the emotionalness of my life. Things have been building up and I need to let it out somewhere right?

Love you!

Just So You Know- Jesse McCartney

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

It's gettin' hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other away

And I don't know
How to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know
How to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
I just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know

This emptiness is killin' me
And I'm wonderin' why I've waited so long
Lookin' back I realize it was always there
Just never spoken

I'm waitin' here
Been waitin' here

Just so you know
This feeling's takin' control
Of me and I can't help it
I won't sit around
I can't let him win now

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know, just so you know

Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go
Of you but I don't want to
Just gotta say it all before I go
Just so you know, just so you know

Things I should say but cant

woeijrwlkejrlskdjfslkdfjs<----- please note that this is the current state of my brain. Yet another ranting blog is about to occur but this one not as scary as the last one. Just need to vent aaand its almost midnight and I dont wanna call anyone so yeah. Here is goes!

I know what he does to me and I'm pretty sure he does too which is probably why I become a fun little toy for him to play with and throw around. I'm a brat to him because of the 50ft high 10ft thick wall that is up because of him. I dont want to get hurt again. But at the rate I'm goin, its lookin like thats whats gonna happen. I'm already in too deep and I know it. I need to escape but his hold on me is so strong I just cant. My heart skips a beat when I see his name show up on my phone, when I hear his name in other peoples conversations or just in general, when I see him it feels like its going to fall out of my chest. As soon as I get to a place where I'm either over him or have realized I can live without him and be fine he pulls me back in! It takes forever to even get to a place like that and it takes only a second and its gone. I cant get out on my own. There is just so much I want to say to him and I cant do it! Half of it would make my 50ft wall just come crashing down and I dont want it to come down. I know that if it does I'm vulnerable again. I dont want to get hurt again. I've already been hurt by him twice. I cannot endure that pain anymore. I know I have strong feelings for him and that fact that I do just makes this even more annoying! No matter how hard I try to get over him and just move on with my life I cant do it. I have had it with feeling this way but nothing I do gets rid of feeling this way. Its gotten to the point that I am convinced he is supposed to be in my life in one way or another I just dont know how he fits into the puzzle. Gosh I just dunno what to do anymore. He just takes more and more of my heart everyday. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel about him but it feels like he doesnt even care. He just seems like he wants to play with my emotions. He is a good guy but he is covering it up. The good guy in him is who I like but this mask he is putting on covers that person which is probably why it feels like he doesnt care about me. Ugh I dont even know anymore. Thats my rant on one boy. To the boy this is about: I know you have this blog address. I hope you can figure out that this is about you. These are the things I want to say to you but am afraid to.

I'm alright :)

Phew! K just so you know, I'm alright. Sorry for that last post. I just needed to vent. Everytime I try to talk to people I get interupted or the person I'm talking to just doesnt seem to care so yeah. Had to clear my mind so I could think about some things and just figure stuff out with my life. So thanks for bearing with my ranting/depressing blog post :)

This last weekend was pretty lame actually. Yeah it was Halloween but I did nothing. I was gonna go to the UVU dance but I have no one to go with, I didnt wanna pay 15 bucks and I wasnt feeling my best. So I ended up staying home watching When A Stranger Calls and Grease.

I finally got around to buying Taylor Swifts album and I LOVE it! So I apologize to you people who actually read my facebook status' since they have all been from one of her songs for the passed few days. I'll try to think of other things to put up. Her songs just relate to my life almost perfectly! Its crazy!

On Sunday I bought Harry Potter tickets! 12:05! With Katie and my brother :) Yeah I'm pretty stoked. Wow I havent said that word since like jr high :/ gotta love those moments. I got registered for classes yesterday as well. Oh and I'm looking for a job. So if you know anyone who is hiring please, please, PLEASE let me know. I voted today too! It was weird. I feel so old! But it was nice to be able to have somewhat of a say in things eventhough my vote didnt really matter. Republicans would have won anyways.

Well thats it for me! Loves! ♥