Unmarried and Frolicking in the Grass

Marriage. Personally whenever I hear this word I think of that one scene in The Princess Bride. But that's not what this is about. This is about the unmarried who feel like failures.

I am 21, LDS, unmarried, unengaged, single, and do not date ever. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I went on out with someone who I wasn't dating. I feel like that because I am 21, LDS and not in some kind of relationship that my culture looks down upon me. I feel like they don't look down just on me but others similar to me. My whole life I have been raised in the LDS culture and I love the religion so this is nothing against them because lets face it, if I were to be bashing on it I would be bashing on myself because I am a part of it. However, I feel like it has been drilled into my head from the time that I was a teenager that there are two roads you can take when you graduate high school. One is marriage and the other one is a mission then marriage. I have been out of high school for 3 years now and of course I haven't taken either of these roads. In fact, I'm just frolicking in the grass trying to figure life out. But I know that I'm not frolicking in the grass alone and I know that the grass is where I need to be. There are others like me who feel the same way I do, that unless you go on a mission or get married you have no purpose and are a failure.

That's right, I am not serving a mission. And for those of you who have asked I have never given a concrete answer as to why. Do you really want to know? Well here it is. It's not for me. I know it's not for me. It was not a decision I made out of the blue. I thought about it and prayed about it. It's not for me. As you all know from a previous post, that can be found here, I have social anxiety disorder. A mission would be a breeding ground of anxiety and panic attacks for me. I'm sorry but having an anxiety or panic attack everyday and maybe even multiple a day does not seem very appealing. Now the next response is usually "but the Lord will help you" and I do not doubt that He would but I also  know that this is something I have dealt with since I was a child and it will not go away just because I am serving a mission. It would probably be less intense with the Lords help but it wouldn't be totally gone. This is something I will most likely deal with the rest of my life. To put it simply, you don't have it so you don't understand how it feels. I can't even describe it. I am meant to go to school and put my time and energy into that. I know this is what I am supposed to do and that is why I am not serving a mission. If the fact I am not serving a mission is a problem for you  then I'm sorry you feel that way. I have prayed and I know that is not what I am supposed to be doing.

I'm not writing this to make people think that I don't care and that I am perfectly content in the grass because the truth is, I'm not content in the grass. Honestly, I feel like my life is going nowhere, I am a failure and I have done nothing of worth in the time since I graduated high school. I know none of this is true but like I said I also know that I am not alone in feeling this way. And you know what I have learned? It's okay to feel this way, it's okay to think all of this and you know why? Because I am not the only one. From talking to friends and people I work with I have found this is the norm for those like me. We are going against the grain. We are not taking the mission road or the marriage road and that is okay. Sometimes frolicking in the grass is what you need to learn things and better prepare you for the future. Does it feel chaotic? Yes. Does it feel like a waste of time? Oh boy does it. But there are experiences to be had in the grass that cannot be had on the road.

And so I say this to society and to the culture I live in. I am 21, LDS, unmarried, unengaged, single, and do not date ever. Is this where I thought I would be at this point in my life? No. But that gives you no right to tell me, and others similar to me, that I am a failure. There is so much more out there besides getting married and going on a mission. The world has so much to offer. Self worth does not come from marriage nor does it come from serving a mission and those that have done these things are not the only ones who have something to offer. It does not make them any better of a person than those who are not or have not done either of those things. The unmarried, non-mission bound LDS girls are not useless. We have things to contribute and we have things to say. Just because we have not been through the temple does not make us worth any less. Give us a chance to show the world what we are capable of.