Hello, my name is Alyssa and I have social anxiety disorder or, a social phobia. No, it does not mean that I am afraid of talking to people. This anxiety disorder usually shows up early in life and is one of the most common anxiety disorders. What it is, is an intense fear in certain social situations which can impair ones ability to function. This can include a chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by ones own actions. We see our world in a way where others are constantly judging our actions when most of the time, they are not. Most of the time, no one care what you are doing. When suffering from this disorder, you can often see that your fear is unreasonable but it is extremely difficult to overcome.
For me particularly, I have had this for as long as I can remember but I'm pretty sure it showed up somewhere in elementary school. People often say "you're just shy, put yourself out there" but these people don't realize that "putting ourselves out there" is not easy to do. Personally, I would rather have shards of glass in my eyes than "put myself out there." Many people do not understand how certain social situations can cause anxiety attacks and panic attacks and the truth is, you never will until you actually experience it. People with this disorder are not mentally ill. We are not weird and we are not to be judged. The judging is what causes the anxiety in the first place for some people. This disorder effects each person differently. For me, I don't like situations where I have no one to talk to. I hate doing things were people are watching me because I feel like I am being judged. Talks in church, group anything in school and school presentations are basically death sentences. I am comfortable just sitting in the back of the room by the door. I never make comments in class out of fear of being judged or called stupid or actually being wrong. I am great one on one or in a small group if I can get to know you well enough to where I am comfortable. In a giant group of people, I say very little if anything at all.
Over the years I have gotten better. I used to wake up afraid to go to school. Fortunately I am good at concealing how I am feeling so no one ever knew. Including my family. I now go to school without any fear. I used to have a hard time talking to customers at work. I don't anymore. Now don't get me wrong, Just because I have gotten better does not mean I do not live without this disorder anymore. I deal with it every single day. Every day is a new challenge and every day presents a new struggle in addition to the struggles I already deal with because of this disorder. I have missed out on a lot of things in my life because of this. Words have been left unsaid and things haven't ever been attempted. I don't like talking about it because I feel like I am weird and will be judged. Publishing this post gives me anxiety just thinking about it. I figured I needed to get this out there because I am going into psychology and I cannot have my own issues get in the way of what I will be doing in the future. All I ask is to not be treated differently. Yes, its a disorder and yes, it is difficult to live with but at least I am not a psychopath right? Right?
-A
