Getting it out there

Well I have successfully managed to put my life into a hole. Most of my "friends" have completely disappeared from my life, people in my ward cant even remember my name and remind me of my old ward that I hated for about 10 years, I have feelings for someone that I know I cant have and I know isnt good for me, no matter how hard I try I cant find a job, my classes are getting harder and no matter how much I apply myself I dont understand what is being taught in some of them, and it almost feels like I'm getting yelled at my someone allllll the time.

Sorry for the depressingness of this post but I just need to get this out. I bottle everything up inside of me for really long periods of time then it just comes out. This is one of those coming out moments

In the singles ward I just dont fit. I hate waking up every Sunday morning full of dread and other horrible feelings towards my ward and its transfering over to how I feel about the church. This needs to be orgainized better. I know that the church is true and I know that our doctrine is true so please dont think this is my way of saying I am going to leave the church because that is not the case at all. I just dont think this singles ward thing was orgainized very well. I have been going to that ward since July and people havent bothered to learn my name, havent bothered to make me feel welcome and the sadest thing of all is that the bishop has not said a word to me since I started coming to that ward. I went to my home ward last week and I just love it there. I know people, the bishop is awesome and I just feel welcome there but I cant go back to that ward. I'd be the only 18 year old sitting in relief society and the only 18 year old in gospel doctrine. No thank you.

No matter what I do I feel like I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I do something that I think is awesome and I get yelled at for it. Then I dont do that same thing later and STILL get yelled at. Where is this logic coming from?! It makes no sense! I have tried to make friendships and relationships work and nothing ever pans out. It feels like I get second best of everything I go for. Part of this is probably because my self esteem is not that great. I'm very shy and awkward around people so when I first meet someone or get around someone that has hurt me I tend to come off kind of rude. I have been hurt by too many people so I have a hard time trusting people mainly because I dont want to get hurt again. I need people in my life but its almost like they dont care about me or they think they are too good for me. It hurts to care about people so much and so deeply and have them just throw me off to the side like I'm nothing.

Most boys are dumb. They will play with your emotions, make you fall for them then just throw you off to the side knowing that you will do pretty much anything for them whenever they want. There are decent boys out there but all the decent boys I end up being attracted to are way out of my league, or taken. I cant function around these people! I can function just fine around the ones that users and players and I have yet to figure out why that is. I think I need to stop showing these people that I will be there when they want me to be. I am giving them way too much control. Its time to take back control of my emotions and ultimately my life.

Well sorry for this depressing post but I need to get this all out and venting to a blog that only like 4 people read seemed like the best way to do this.

10.29.10 [once upon a time]

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who believed that boy. She fell for him and she fell hard. He broke her heart and left her there alone. He has come back to her life and she is falling again. She tries to fight it but cant seem to control her heart. She will probably get burned and heart broken again.

Well if you cant tell by now, I am the stupid girl from the story. Yes, yes, I have had my heart broken. This boy has a hold on me that I cant seem to shake off. After a constant struggle to let him go and to not fall again I am giving up because its too hard. Yes, I am falling for him again and I cant do anything about it. Yes I understand that this is a stupid thing to do but at this point I just dont care.

On a lighter note, these are the pumpkins I carved! One is my dads and the other is mine (my dad didnt want to carve his. what a party pooper). Thriller was just on the radio, needless to say I am happy :D bwahahaha! Well I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween! Dont eat too much candy :P

My pumpkin! His name is George. Dont ask why cause I dont even know

My daddys! I dunno why I wanted to make it a cyclops

Live your life the way you want and dont look back

Woot! I'm doing better at updating this! Well this passed week was Katies 18th birthday on Saturday. Happy Birthday Katie! Love you!!! Anyways, we went and saw the play "And Then There Were None" it was amazing! Love that play sooo much! Then we went on a treasure hunt around Orem, Lindon and PG. It was tons of fun. The treasure hunt lead us back to Katies house and her mom had prepared a cute Halloween dinner for us. Dear Katies mom, you are awesome. Then after we watched the movie Private Eyes. After that movie ended people had to leave and eventually I was the last one at Katies house so the two of us watched When a Stranger Calls. I have never been so scared to drive home or compelled to lock my door while driving in my life! Such a freaky show! Loved it though :)

This week has been good so far eventhough its only Tuesday. One of my good friends has decided they wanna go to college at UVU this next semester thingy and I am sooo excited! I cant even believe it! Things have a weird way of working out and I know that Heavenly Father answers all of our prayers.

Learned something recently! Live your life the way you want and according to your beliefs and standards and dont look back aka have no regrets. It just makes things easier if you live your life as your own person. Its ridiculous how many people live their lives for others or as someone they are not. Its just not worth it. Live the way you want and be yourself, things will work out the way they are supposed to :)

Katie dressed up as Peter Pan for her party. Its and inside joke so it made my day.

Fourwheeling path

Fourwheeling path

Nerd bowling with Katie!

10.22.2010 {learning a lot}

Well just so you all know, I have not dropped off the face of the planet. I havent updated in forever cause I have tons of pics to post and the computer with all the pics on it is being really slow and its not worth dealing with. So I'm not even gonna recap about life lately I'll just do that later. I kinda just wanna talk about stuff I've learned lately ya know?

Things #1: I have the greatest friends and family

Lately I have been spending a lot of time with my mom. I go to school in the morning and end at like 11 or 12 (depending on the day) so when I get home my mom always has errands to run and she always asks me if I wanna come. I really enjoy these moments. I know that I am more fortunate than other girls because of this. My mom (and dad) have taught me so much. I dont tell them this cause I dont wanna seem mushy haha. My friends are just awesome. This week has been kind of hard and I havent really told anyone about whats going on cause it doesnt even involve me at all but this week I've gotten texts from people just to say hi. Even the people in some of my classes have been really nice and fun to talk to this week which has helped a lot :)

Thing #2: I dont need a boyfriend to be happy

People all over the place are getting boyfriends, getting married, getting engaged etc. and its just kind of made me feel like "okay whats wrong with me?" sort of thing. After doing a lot of thinking I have realized I dont need a boyfriend right now to be happy. I would love to have someone to share things with but thats why I have the friends that I have. I have realized I am not your typical girl. I will stand up for what I believe in, I dont take crap from people and I am not easily manipulated. Because of this I probably come of as a little intimidating but I would rather just be myself and have someone like me for who I am. I see absolutely no point in pretending to be someone you are not just to make someone else fall for you. In the end you just get someone who thinks you are one thing but then when you show who you really are they may not like it and leave you. Its not worth the pain. One day I will find the man that I am supposed to be with and he will like me for who I am and be able to handle the intensity of my personality.

Thing #3: No matter what you have done, Christ will always take you back

I havent really learned this lately from myself but from others. I have always known that this is true but it wasnt until this week when I was explaining it to someone else that I finally came to BELIEVE it. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and everyone can repent and come back to Christ. He is always waiting for you no matter what. "No matter your past, your future is spotless."

Thing #4: Try new things

I'm a scaredy cat. I'm shy and its ridiculously bad. For the past few weeks I've been doing a few new things. I am a perfectionist so trying new things is always a daunting task for me mainly because I am afraid of failure. But in the end you dont want to regret not doing something. Right?

and finally....

Thing #5: Its okay to open up

I try to keep my emotions under wraps because my whole life I have been the strong one in my family and my friends. I dont really have anyone to vent to since I'm the listener of everyone I come in contact with, even people I barely meet will start telling me their life story. So it just gets bottled up and then explodes later over something really stupid. Letting emotions out is not a sign of weakness. It is actually a sign of strength because you have been strong for so long. Open up to people, if they judge you then thats their problem not yours.

Well those are my recent lessons of life for ya!

♥Lyssa

10.04.2010

Well its been about a week since I last wrote so its time again!

On Wednesday of last week math was cancelled! sooo I went home and pretty much procrastinated everything else I had to do cause I simply didnt care. It was just one of those days. The very next day (Thursday) health had been cancelled and we were just reviewing in math sooo I skipped school completely that day and went to lunch with my parents and grandma instead. I'd say Mimi's cafe is a much better alternative to school :)

Friday I watched the pathetic BYU game. They are not doing well and it depresses me very very much. Buuut I still support them which is always fun.

This weekend was conference! I loooove conference so much its ridiculous. Listening to our prophets and apostles talk about things we need to do in our lives and things to be careful of is just a wonderful blessing. This church is so amazing that way. I have no idea where I would be without it.

Not sure whats been going on lately but one of my best friends doesnt even care that I exist anymore all because of a stupid boy. I understand she likes him and they are together and all and she has school and she has a job but we used to talk everyday and I havent talked to her for a couple weeks. Its like I've been thrown to the bottom of her priority list. When you are friends with me I will make you a priority and I will be your friend till the end and to not get that in return hurts. I guess its part of growing up and starting to get a life of your own but its like I dont even matter to her anymore. We've been through a lot together and we've always been there for each other and now its almost like all that has been thrown away. I dunno. This too shall pass.

Well thats it for me! love ya!

Oh and heres me with my new glasses. I took the pic with my laptop camera so it kinda sucks.